When writing about my despression before, I was not in a depressive episode. I have some troubles with my life which are of a depressive nature, but missing the sadness part. So I wrote about things that I struggle with every day, anyway. But now I am in an episode, I don't think I've ever been this bad - I'm good at blocking things out, so maybe I just don't remember - but at the same time my life is at it's best ever. How is that even possible?
Before the epsiode started I was sad and a little tired, but not in a depressive state, where the sadness comes from nowhere. And now I sit around and sometimes just start to cry without even knowing why. I've been seeing my therapist again, who helps me a lot. I read a lot and play a lot of stupid little games on facebook. University is not going to well, I quit one class and the assignment I should be working on is postponed (again). Now I just have to work on getting better. Thing is: HOW?
At the same time, as I said before, my life is at my best. Before this episode I was sad with a reason and my flatmate ordered me to meet people, anyone, every day. If you know me, you will know that that is not what I usually do. I am more of the staying at home, being alone kind of girl. A lone wolf. I had no better idea, so I "just" met acquaintances, without overthinking it. They quickly became friends and I suddenly have this strong social network (in Real Life ;) ), which gives me joy. I never had this kind of joy with people aside from really close people (like sisters, cousins, boyfriends and flatmates), now I expand my horizon on this topic. It gives me strength. And I could be falling into a "real" depression if not for them! This deep black hole is right in front of my feet, there's not much missing for me to fall into it (sometimes I want to give up, but rarely and only when on my own). But if I turn around, leave the black hole at home and meet my friends, I am happy, I feel good. But the hole is still there in the background.
So I am my saddest and my gladest at the moment. Both at the same time. And the good things do not erase the bad stuff. So even though I am active, I'm still depressive. It's not an easy equation where action leads to happiness! So I will need to work more with my therapist on how to get better longterm.
I send loads of hugs out to all others who struggle, I feel for you. And I love you!
And I want to thank my closest friends at the moment, I love you and: I need you :) I'm glad to have you in my life and to be sharing my life but also get a part in your lives.